[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.