[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
is it earth
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you