[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I can’t be the only one 😂
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.