aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
You Might Also Like
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Never let them know your next move 😂
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The three genders.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat