Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.