Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat