Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
thinking about a very short hotdog
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.