aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

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Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.


My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.


Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.


[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine


Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a


One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police


I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that


Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.


breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title


It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.