aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.