Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.