All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?