All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?