All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?