@perlhack

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

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@goldengateblond

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

@KentWGraham

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@SvnSxty

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@SoVeryBritish

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

@RickAaron

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

@Thateverydayguy

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus