All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

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The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.


I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.


Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.


*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked


My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.


Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”


After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.


Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.


The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus