All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
You Might Also Like
finally
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while