All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
😅🤣😂
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Me redecorating every room in my mind