All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
there’s probably a fee though
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”