All excellent questions
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
omg leave her alone
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
#NoRestForTheWicked