All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
why isn’t he texting back
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.