All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]