All generalizations are stupid.
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.