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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?