All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Fights fire with marshmallows
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night