all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?