All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Got him!