All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK