All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man