All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Well well well…
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox