@iamkits

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

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@SamSkinnerKC

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

@PaperWash

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

@E_lok44

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

@AndyAsAdjective

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

@longwall26

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

@IAmYardDad

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

@SortaBad

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

@Mandiatrandom1

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do