All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
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*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.