All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Pizza is an emotion right?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
prepare for carbonated trouble
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.