all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

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me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix


Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane


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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.


I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.


Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*



This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”


Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*


Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.