all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
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Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync