@josephknuckles

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

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@murrman5

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

@dragnut

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

@AbbieEvansXO

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

@BlondAmbitionTO

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

@TheWifeYouLove

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

@AbbyHasIssues

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

@maxverygoodboy

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

@joci2203

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.