All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
they should invent a hydrating liquor
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice