Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”