All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT