All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
You Might Also Like
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.