“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
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My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[on my way back to the posting caves]
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I think my mom just blocked me
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train