all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.