all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.