all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I have so many questions.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
