@HushJared

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

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@LostFelicia

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

@upsidedowntrash

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

@Jesssicle

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

@krisv_723

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

@byrdie_num_num

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

@huntigula

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?