All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.