@TheBoydP
@Ideal_Victoria I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
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@Ideal_Victoria 
@UNDEADTRESOR If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
@athleisure_monk scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
@Reverend_Scott COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
@SortaBad Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
@lacybronze1 Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
@knot_eye [at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
@T_Bonezzz_ Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
@Beerhaze If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
@HarleyPlays If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.