All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
hackers play passwordle
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.