@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

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@UNDEADTRESOR

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

@athleisure_monk

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

@SortaBad

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

@lacybronze1

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

@T_Bonezzz_

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

@Beerhaze

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

@HarleyPlays

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.