All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
You Might Also Like
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m too immature for adultery.