All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
You Might Also Like
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The three genders.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
This is not me but this is me
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.