All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Breaking news:
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.