All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Straight people are cancelled
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.