All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.