All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
this has to be peak English
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Ken is short for chicken
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police