@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

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@garrydavenport

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

@AndyAsAdjective

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

@PhuckinCody

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

@jonnysun

[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

@BlondAmbitionTO

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

@ArfMeasures

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

@jannable9

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

@JimmerThatisAll

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”