All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…