@ilovepie84

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

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@Dawn_M_

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

@AmishPornStar1

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

@SondraDeeMe

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

@RuffaloShuffle

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

@Lovestained555

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

@AmericanGent69

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

@joci2203

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

@OakHill_

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

@BuckyIsotope

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points