@ilovepie84

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

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@suecorvette

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

@RobDenBleyker

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

@hurlarious

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

@UnFitz

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@browneyegirl9

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

@Hello___Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”