@suecorvette why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
@ilovepie84 ” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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@suecorvette 
@RobDenBleyker If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
@hurlarious I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
@CroweJam I’m too immature for adultery.
@UnFitz NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
@Storminika Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
@browneyegirl9 If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
@Hello___Bella Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
@mellimelle My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
@WilliamAder Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”