@Dawn_M_ I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
@ilovepie84 ” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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@Dawn_M_ 
@AmishPornStar1 Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
@samalmightysam While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
@SondraDeeMe One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
@RuffaloShuffle Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
@Lovestained555 My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
@AmericanGent69 {during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
@joci2203 Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
@OakHill_ I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
@BuckyIsotope GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points