@Phlegmingway It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
@ilovepie84 ” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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@Phlegmingway 
@Kyle_Lippert I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
@Brainmage Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
@Miss_Ghandi Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
@Reverend_Scott Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
@ShipInTheKnight When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
@SmartassChef Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
@NeilBensch Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
@designersays If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
@Token_Geezer Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too