” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”


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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.


Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.


While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.


One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.


Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”


My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.


{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?


Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.


I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.


GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points