” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
happy mother’s day❤️
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
then why did i get this email