All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The Onion called it…again.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.