All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.