All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
You Might Also Like
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I beg your pardon?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Who.
Did.
This?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.