All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?